Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Why can't every day...

Oh, it’s been one of those days

When You walk with me

So close I think

I caught the scent of angels’ wings

And my, oh my unsuspecting heart

Leaps from its place

Begins to race

I finally found the place I never want to leave, oh...

Why can’t every day, why can’t every day

Why can’t every day, can’t every day

Be like today

Oh, why do the good days end

Makes me wonder now

With the way I feel

If yesterday was even real

And why, oh why do You seem so far away

Could it be that I’ve gone too far this time

And can I make You change Your mind, oh...

Why should any day, why should any day

Why should any day, should any day

Be like today

Do I wallow in my insecurities?

Do I trust what my feelings are tellin’ me?

Or do I rest in the promise You made me

That You’ll never leave?

Oh, today my heart believes

That the truth remains

You never change

Your love for me is still the same, oh...

Why can’t every day, why can’t every day

Why can’t every day, can’t every day

Be like today

Well, it's about 15 mi
nutes 'til 1AM, so I suppose that the real question here is: "Why can't every day be like yesterday?" But, this Chris Rice song is running through my head, not so much because I really felt like I walked with God today...some days are just magical that way, and some days are more relaxed and casual. Today was a relaxed, casual kind of day. But, I guess, the real thing is the dichotomy I find myself in regarding how my life goes through its paces.

Yes, I'm talking about temping again here. I guess, the real thing that's got me in a tizzy at the moment is that today I remembered what I really, really want to do with my life. I want to be a full time wife, with maybe a part time job - but not really a lot more. And, of course, at the moment, we can't afford for me to stay around the house and clean and cook fun interesting dinners for Scott and do the taxes and stuff. Because Scott is out getting his degree, not earning money but pursuing his passion so that he can earn the living that will eventually support this lifestyle I desire.

And I think about wh
at I would be doing if I hadn't gotten married. I'd probably be somewhere in Texas, pursuing my own degree or career, living my own life by myself. In some ways, that would be easier. But it would also be lonelier. I guess it is just harder to value the life I have when at times I feel so discontented. The lack of a pattern, the lack of regularity, its not good for me. I need a life that has stability in it, a center I can cling to when everything else is crazy. This is what allows me to BE crazy - to have that stable center. And right now, it feels like nothing is stable, nothing is certain. I don't know what is going on with me, what will be going on with me. Nothing is in my control. Nothing is even in the control of people I know or trust. It's all up to these strangers, these people who choose which students are worthy and which aren't. And I feel so up in the air. Like I'm being juggled...just like a gosling.

What? Some people juggle geese!

And, I can hear you now, mother mine, very clearly indeed. This is just where I need to be, just where God has put me so I can depend on him. Only, really, depending on God isn't as easy as it all sounds. Especially when you're forced into a corner where dependence is the only choice. I prefer to choose to depend and then depend. To take that "step of faith" or whatever. But instead I've been pushed. And I'm free falling. And I just want to land somewhere safe. But instead, here I am, taking three precious "days of rest" where I say to my temp agency "no 1 day assignments" and I really mean it. Even when they call me and ask me with a pretty please. I mean it for reals. Because I need SOME sort of stability in my life...and a job is so much of life, when you have one. Scott has his school, and I need something stable.

So, right now, I'm going to pray. For stability. That, God will give me a peace that completely and totally surpasses understanding. And I've prayed for this peace before, and I do believe it exists. But I don't know if I've ever needed it so badly or thought it more unlikely than I do this week.

There's another song that goes "All I really need is a song in my heart, food in my belly and love in my family." I have to add, especially in Canada, a roof over my head. But I wish I could have those things and stability too. Because right now I'm just following the goslings as we fly through the air. One after another. Only more random. Come to think of it - I'm jealous of the goslings! At least they have a pattern to their existence! I'm more like a hot potato or something.

God give me peace. Give me rest. Help me to sleep. And to wake up refreshed. Is this much to ask? I don't know. What I do know is that I need it - like I've needed not much else in my life ever before.

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